LiFe
Saturday, May 08, 2004
[ last edited by *celly on 11:09 PM ]
11:09 PM



impossible~!

that can't be you!

it still seems like a fantasy that mrs lee has passed away. the day passed, time crawling like a snail. went to mrs lee's wake today, and again i cried. i was suppose to be the strongest, yet today i was the weakest. i wasn't suppose to cry. we sang be thou my vision, her favourite hymn. just yesterday, i was humming and singing this tune that i so loved.

today i had to sing it again. this time, it sounded so choked. we were at the chapel of rememberance, a place that was so serene and peaceful. the voice that sang out this tune was choked and quivering with tears of sorrow and mucus. then we recited a few bible verses. i can't remember what we recited, probably because i was overwhelmed by grief. the time there seemed so short, because shortly, i realised that i was in front of her coffin, looking down at her face the final time. her face, it looked so pale, so artificial. the smile looked so plastered. i expected a face that looked like the mrs lee i knew, always radiant, cheerful and filled with energy. instead, what i saw was a pale, creased face with an artificial smile. i was taken aback. her face was not familiar to me at all. it took me quite awhile to register that the face was really mrs lee's face. immediately after i stepped down, i cried. i could not hold back those tears of disbelief and grief. it all seemed impossible and fictatious. i have even thought of how often i could come back to st. margaret's to visit her, or meet up with her for lunch. now, all this will never happen. the day i see her would be the day i die, where we'll be reunited again, in heaven.

st. margaretians, we must stand together as 1 family and unite as one. that way, mrs lee would be able to rest in peace. always remember her in our hearts, for without her, st. margaret's would not be where it is now, well-known for its niche in arts, academic results that are pretty good. i know all of you are very grieved, but let this come as a lesson to us that we should never take people or things for granted. never think that they'll always be there, because things always happen unexpectedly. tell the people whom you really love that you do love them. do not wait for tomorrow to come, because like in mrs lee's case, tomorrow might never come. one moment you can be wide awake, the next moment you've departed from this world already.

i miss you so so so much. i suddenly have so much to tell you. i want to talk to you, i want to hear your voice and see your face, but all this is impossible now. i wished i hadn't been bad and missed school. at least i would have seen you more. i promise you that i'll never miss school unnecessarily ever again. i promise you that i'll never complain about the long devotions we sometimes have. like what nexa said, we always complained about the many things in school. if only time could reverse itself, i would never complain at all about it. i wished i had told you how much i liked you as the principal of st. margaret's. i wished i had told you how much you've changed my life for the better. so many things that i now wish i had done or said, but now all i can do is regret.

monday will soon come, and that day will be the day mrs lee will be cremated. i want to go, yet i also do not want to go for it. i can't bear to see her being cremated. all this happened too fast. yet, i want to see her again. sigh. i keep sighing these days. i wonder when i will get over this. i really love you mrs lee. watch over st. margaret's ok? :) this is to you, mrs lee, your favourite hymn, which is also my favourite.


Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my vision, oh Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought in the day and the night
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light

Be Thou my wisdom, be Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me Lord
Be Thou my breastplate, my sword for the fight
Be Thou my armour and be Thou my might

Riches I need not, nor man's empty praise
Thou my inheritance, now and always
Thou and Thou only, Thou first in my heart
High king of heaven my treasure Thou art

High king of heaven, when battle is done
Grant heaven's joy to me, bright heaven sun
Christ of my own heart, whatever befall
Still be my vision, my ruler of all